A Biblical Perspective of Healthy Sexual Intimacy

Abstract

The Gift of Sex: A guide to sexual fulfillment by Clifford and Joyce Penner (2003) reveals a new world of sex for Christian married couples.  By reading this book together, a couple can learn how to communicate their sexual desires to each other, which would include likes and dislikes.  Penners’ book will also enable a married couple to enjoy one another, resolve sexual difficulties, and achieve and experience greater sexual pleasure.

A Biblical Perspective of Healthy Sexual Intimacy

From different experiences growing up, some couples experience a sexual disagreement, with each other, and with themselves. Some may feel sex is meant for procreation only, or some may believe that sex is a disgusting and naughty act.  The truth overcomes these false assumptions and plows intimacy into a whole new realm of enjoyment and love.  God created each person with sexual organs, enhanced for pleasure and procreation and fun. By inviting God into the bedroom, sex becomes the deepest most pure form of love within a marriage.

Biblical Perspective of Sex

            The Bible makes clear that God created humans as sexual beings, particularly in Song of Solomon.  God’s intention and value of our sexuality and His regard for a sexual relationship within the covenant of marriage are made clear in the Bible (Penner, 2003). 

It is a Gift From God

            Several verses in the bible describe, approve of, and give reference to sex.  The Old Testament book Songs of Solomon portrays the relationship between a husband and wife fulfilling each other sexually.  “Sexuality is part of God’s plan of creation.  Our maleness and femaleness, our sexuality, is not something added on or part of our sinful natures; it is part of the original perfect creation of mankind.  It’s in our bones. By implication, then, our sexuality is nothing to be ashamed of, but rather something to enjoy,” (Penner, 2003).  Sex should be enjoyed by the husband and the wife, encouraged even beyond the intentions of procreation.  Sex presents itself as the deepest form of love: becoming one flesh. A husband and wife should enjoy each other’s bodies without limitations, except that set by one or both persons.

The Physical Dimension

            Discovering our bodies is part of growing up and maturing, learning the locations, functions, and purposes of each body organ, especially the sex organs.  “[Our sexual parts] were there from the moment of creation and are to be enjoyed and discovered,” (Penner, 2003).  We are brought up in our culture to perceive body and sexual exploration, even as curious children, as shameful and forbidden.  Why do we perceive shame? We now more fully understand that this should not be the case because God gave us these bodies and the sexual interest we experience (Penner, 2003).  It is partly due to the fall of Man.  When Adam and Eve sinned, they saw they were naked and hid themselves (Genesis 3:7, New American Standard Bible). If a parent or parents never teach their child that exploring his or her body is shameful or disgusting or perverse, the child will never perceive his or her body as a completely closed vessel.  When a person experiences discomfort during sex or at the mere mention of sex, it is generally the cause of their childhood and how they were raised or even abused.  Parents should want their children to feel comfortable to explore their bodies, privately or with parents as supportive guides.  A mother and father should teach their children that their genitals are not naughty areas, but special private areas.

How Our Bodies Work and Sexually Respond

            After having only lived five to ten minutes, a male newborn will experience an erection.  Twenty-four hours after having been born, a female’s vagina will lubricate (Penner, 2003). During puberty girls and boys go through some of the same changes and some very different changes. Girls will begin to develop breasts, which grow at differing rates, and grow pubic hair around the vagina (Penner, 2003).  This is also the time a female will begin her first menstrual cycle. The voices of males, most noticeably, will grow deeper and boys will also grow pubic hair around their penis and scrotum.  During a pivotal moment, referred to as a “wet dream,” a male will gain the ability to ejaculate. Commonly, both males and females will go through many hormone changes as well (Penner, 2003).  The sex drive, beginning at puberty and continuing the remainder of his or her life, is triggered by the hormone testosterone (Penner, 2003).

            Two nervous system branches affect sexual arousal and experience.  The first, parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) has an increasing affect on the body.  Passivity and relaxation can activate the PNS (Penner, 2003).  The second arousal related branch is the sympathetic nervous system (SNS) which is our energy system.  It activates when we are anxious or intensely aroused emotionally and has more to do with release or relief than arousal (Penner, 2003).  The PNS controls excitement or sexual arousal (Penner, 2003).  When a person is aroused, blood and fluid rush to the genitals, producing the erection in a male and the vaginal lubrication and swelling in the female.  “We have found it helpful for some men and women with arousal problems to think of ‘getting with’ their parasympathetic or getting out of their heads and into the penises or vaginas—going with the sensation of the moment.  Another way of saying this is that we have to let our bodies respond without letting our brains get in the way,” (Penner, 2003).

 The orgasm of men and women are an SNS function. Our bodies shift from PNS dominance to SNS control just as we are approaching orgasm (Penner, 2003).  “One can stop his leg from jerking even if the knee is tapped.  Even so, we can stop an orgasm from occurring when the necessary stimulation has taken place, but we cannot cause or will a leg jerk or an orgasm,” (Penner, 2003).  Males respond sexually by visual and physical stimulation as women respond by emotional and physical stimulation.

Experiencing Love Making From Beginning to End

Playfulness

            To increase the sexual experience, a husband or wife should become playful, eager, and affectionate.  “There can be many sources for sexual arousal in our world. You may or may not be aware of responding to these. You might not even notice what stimulates or decreases your sexual interest,” (Penner, 2003).  A time, a place, a smell, or a site could easily stimulate or peak sexual interest within the husband or wife.  Many researches claim aid from aphrodisiacs.  Setting aside a time to be together as a couple is always encouraged and applauded: a time where no obligations, demands, restrictions, or distractions occur. A couple can find a time, daily or weekly, to admire, love, adore, and feel comfortable with one another (Penner, 2003).  It is good-natured for one spouse to flirt, touch, tease, and initiate sex with the other.  This playfulness does not have to be the job of only one spouse, but both.  Just as the wife enjoys the interest her husband displays, so does the husband enjoy the sexual eagerness of his wife.

            Spice things up by cooking dinner together.  Usually, it needs to be decided upon what is acceptable and what is not between spouses.  A couple may find it exhilarating to enjoy nudity while at home together, to whereas another couple may find the notion disagreeable.  A married couple could also shower together or bathe together regularly, having no expectations (Penner, 2003).  Anything is acceptable within the comfort of the couple as long as what is being done does not take interest away from one another (Mars Hill). 

Becoming One

“God’s intention for sex is for unity, pleasure, and procreations. We are to leave our father and mother and become one flesh. We are to be totally open and unashamed with our spouse. We are to be fruitful and multiply. All these purposes of sex are to be fulfilled in marriage,” (Penner, 2003).  A couple must connect on more than just a physical level.  They must connect emotionally, spiritually, and physically (Penner, 2003).  There are many sexual positions that could be used while a husband and wife make love.  There are also many techniques for any or special occasions between a wife and husband.  A couple can participate in mutual masturbation with one another, use sex toys, and perform oral sex.  For any of these practices, both spouses have to be in agreement and feel completely willing and comfortable (Mars Hill). 

Respecting Your Partner

            The respect a husband shows for his wife or the respect a wife shows for her husband may be one of the most important aspects of the marital sexual experience.  “The woman needs the man to back off when her body is ready but her feelings are not. She needs room to allow her feelings to catch up with her body’s response. This can happen only if she is free of the demand to be ready,” (Penner, 2003).  A man is to insert his penis into his wife’s vagina only when she gives him the “O.K.” The reason is because it is the wife’s body being invaded, and secondly, it has to be a mutual decision (Penner, 2003).  If a man enters without invitation, it is a wall crushing breach of the wife’s personal space and security.  Respect also includes care, and the first way to show care is by affirmation. 

Just as words of affirmation shows one spouse the love of the other spouse, especially if it is the love language of one or the other (Chapman, 2004), words and actions of affirmation work just as powerfully during and after sex.  Wives have complained that after sex, her husband will flop to the side, roll over with his back to her, and delve into dreamland.  This unintentional action of the husband leaves the wife feeling used, anxious, lonely, and set apart.  After sex, cuddling, snuggling, and enjoying the moment is a much more affectionate way to express appreciation, love, care, and respect (Penner, 2003).  The sexually initiating spouse should be respectful and non-demanding of his or her partner.  The husband should not make his wife feel obligated because love making is just that, love making.  A husband should not feel as though it is a chore to make love, but feel as though it is the reward he receives from his wife.

Enjoying the Sexual Experience

Meeting Your Spouse’s Needs

             A wife and a husband should try to meet the sexual and emotional needs of each other.  Sometimes, a woman will have certain needs, things that she needs to be done to her in order for her to reach climax or feel satisfied.  Some women claim not to be able to reach climax by penal penetration alone.  Some men may enjoy giving their wives oral sex more than they even enjoy receiving oral sex.

            Men should try to meet their wives’ needs, whatever they may be, unless her needs go directly against his conscience.  Some women enjoy using sex toys in order to experience double penetration with their husbands, but some husbands may feel uncomfortable with the idea.  Or some women enjoy anal sex, which some men may be completely against.  If either spouse openly asks for a specific sexual pleasure, if it is not completely against the other spouse’s beliefs or pain threshold, then it is suggested to go through with it.  And if one spouse is completely against an activity, he or she is not to criticize his or her spouse or belittle him or her, but simply talk about it in a loving manner.  The same way, some men may enjoy giving their wives anal sex, but the wife may not like it and sometimes may even be in pain.  Some husbands also may desire for their wives to receive his sperm into her mouth, but some wives may find this disgusting or gross.  Treading carefully not to force your spouse into something he or she does not want, even though it may be a sexual desire for you, is also a form of respect.  Some needs, however, can be easy.  If the spouse has no problem with it, then perhaps oral sex is a grand idea.  If the spouse has no problem with it, then sometimes, as a wife may prefer, lying naked together while cuddling is a good idea. 

Making Time and Inviting God

            A couple should make time for each other, sexually and non-sexually.  The wife of a husband is important and he should make quality time for her (Chapman, 2004).  Likewise, the husband of a wife is equally important, and a wife should go out of her way to make him feel love and admired.  As a married couple begins to have sex, they should invite God to be with them (Penner, 2003).  “Begin by thanking God for any sexual feelings that you experience during the day.  Then, as you prepare for sexual times with your spouse, ask God to bless your intimacy,” (Penner, 2003).

Non-Sexual Expressions of Love to Increase Sexual Intimacy

The Five Love Languages

            The Five Love Languages written by Gary Chapman describe in detail that every person possesses a love language, or a way of receiving and expressing love to one’s spouse (2004). The five love languages consist of five emotional expressions: quality time, acts of service, physical touch, words of affirmation, and gift giving.  Quality time refers to the spouse that prefers to spend time with his or her partner, as a way of showing that he or she loves him or her.  In reflection, they also feel loved when time is made to spend time with them as well. Acts of service refers to people who like and enjoy doing things, such as favors, for their spouses to express love.  Also, when the other spouse does something for him or her, he or she also in return feels loved.  For those people who enjoy hugging, holding hands, or cuddling inherit the love language of physical touch.  These people do not necessarily feel emotionally close to someone else if there is never or hardly any touch involved.  Compliments and encouragement carry a long way with people, mostly wives, who possess the love language of words of affirmation, as mentioned above. Lastly, gift giving refers to those who prefer to give a gift, from the heart.  They enjoy giving gifts and feel loved when receiving gifts from another.  Each person has at least one love language, but some have more than one, but still at least one dominant language (Chapman, 2004).

Just as with love languages, every person contains a relationship style, unique unto themselves.  From the book Why You Do the Things You Do by Dr. Tim Clinton and Dr. Gary Sibcy, people are described as having a secure relationship style, ambivalent, avoidant, or a disorganized relationship style (2006). Some people may be able to relate to more than one, however, always have a dominate style.

Conclusion

            Many couples experience stress, obligations, anxiety, or pressure when it comes to making love.  A lot of these problems are due to fear, inexperience, or physical or emotional discomfort.  Couples that experience these problems should speak with a counselor and try to resolve the setbacks.   Sex within marriage is biblical and supported by many scriptures, such as Songs of Solomon, Genesis, and Corinthians.  As it outlines in the bible, we were created with pleasurable sexual organs, sex drives and hormones, and sexual interests and intentions.  As a loving expression, as an intimate notion, sex is the deepest form of love within a marriage and should be expressed regularly.

Reference Page

Anderson, Dr. Neil T. (1995). Discipleship Counseling: The complete guide to helping others walk in freedom and grow in Christ. Ventura: Regal.

Chapman, Gary. (2004). The Five Love Languages: How to express heartfelt commitment to your mate. Chicago: Northfield Publishing.

Mars Hill Church. (n.d.) Retrieved August 22, 2010, from http://www.marshillchurch.org/

Penner, Clifford, & Penner, Joyce. (2003). The Gift of Sex: A guide to sexual fulfillment. Nashville: Thomas Nelson.

Sibcy, Gary, & Clinton, Tim. (2006). Why You Do the Things You Do: The Secret to Healthy Relationships. Nashville: Thomas Nelson.

My Hobby, Group Succession

Group Succession
I am a part of an online group as a hobby. I meet with this group three days out of the week, and twice on Wednesdays. Within the group that I am associated, there are important elements such as leadership and leading roles as assists. The group also includes an agenda and organization to carry out the tasks. Lastly, in order to achieve our goals and follow the agenda, the leaders assign roles to each member of the group.
The group I am involved with is a massively multiplayer online role-playing game or an MMORPG. World of Warcraft is an MMORPG and has been a hobby of mine for nearly three years. Within the game, I am a part of a causal raiding guild called Armageddon. As a role of the guild, we form into several different smaller groups, and we raid certain enemies and their leaders or bosses. The guild consists of nearly 200 members, and throughout the week, six groups of ten take part in raiding what is called raid instances. We also form a twenty five man raid on Wednesday nights. A raid instance is a zone inside the game that contains many trash mobs and bosses. Trash mobs are enemies that are not as threatening as bosses but demand prompt attention. The bosses are usually single “monsters” located at the end of a zone section or checkpoint. They require the raid to work on and apply tactics, performance, leadership, cooperation, focus, and communication. My raid group has three main leaders: the raid leader Holyish (Nav D), raid assistants Jolly (Paul) and me (Z), and our bank and potion supplier Dawndi (Tina).
Several roles exist in a single raid group. We have our general roles, our distinct roles and our underlined roles. The general roles include tanks, damage per second (DPS), and healers. A ten man raid will have two tanks, which are armor heavy members that focus on keeping the attention (agro, short for aggression) of the bad guys, and taking as much damage away from the rest of the group and onto themselves. The job of the DPS is to do as much damage to the mobs or the bosses as possible without pulling agro. In a ten man, five are dedicated as DPS, sometimes depending on the fight we have to conduct. The last three positions belong to healers, who focus on keeping everyone in the raid group alive, specifically the tanks.
There are distinct roles related to the general roles in a raid group. Each member in the raid group has a general role, but also at the same time, have class specifications. The tanks can be protection warriors, protection paladins, bear druids, and/or frost death knights. The DPS classes can be arms or fury warriors, ret paladins, cat or boomkin druids, blood and unholy death knights, rogues, mages, elemental or enhancement shamans, shadow priests, warlocks, and hunters. Healer classes consist of holy or discipline priests, holy paladins, restoration shamans, and restoration druids. Each class has its own special abilities that are specifically useful within a raid. For example, Warrior tanks are more attune to holding agro on one specific mob or boss whereas a paladin and death knight do well at holding agro on many mobs. Mages are the only DPS class that has the spell slow which slows the enemy considerably. Shadow priests are desired as mana batteries because their mere presence boosts the rejuvenation of the mana that it takes to cast any kind of magic. The raid desires to have shamans in the raid group because they have a certain spell that buffs the entire raid temporarily and enables them to cast or hit faster and harder.
Furthermore, some of the raid members have underlined roles that have little or nothing to do with their general or distinct role. These roles are leadership or specific assignments. In the Wednesday ten man and twenty five man raids, and the Thursday evening raid, Holyish acts as the raid leader. Jolly and I take on the raid assist roles and Dawndi acts primarily as the raid supplier in flasks and food. On Saturdays, I take on the role of raid leader, and Holyish and Jolly are my assistants.
As Holyish is the leader of the guild, he also acts as the primary raid leader. He is open to suggestions from his officers on leading the guild and what is best for the guild. He runs a democratic leadership within the guild and encourages communication, critical thinking, and action. In a raid, Holyish assigns the roles to each member of the group. He assigns two people to tank, five to dps, and three to heal. When it comes to certain boss fights, he may switch some roles to better improve the raid’s overall ability.
The goal of the raid adheres to a certain and necessary agenda. Upon entering a raid instance, the first step is to clear, or kill, all of the trash mobs. This is generally easy but sometimes a trash mob will require extra attention or focus, depending on its special abilities. The second goal is downing the bosses at the end of sections or at checkpoints. The third goal during a raid is the loot received from trash mobs and mainly the bosses. A single person, usually the raid leader, assumes the role of loot master. This person controls who in the raid gets what loot.
There have been times where conflict arose about loot and who got what. It is rare that loot conflicts arise in recent days; however, before we became a well oiled and organized machine, conflict arose all the time, particularly in our twenty five man raid. Basically, an item would drop from a boss that more than one person desired, but only one person could have. It was difficult for us officers to make things as fair as possible which led us to come up with the rules we now have concerning loot.
Gender differences in the groups are evident in that there are never any female raid leaders and rarely ever any female raid assistants. When it comes to boss encounters, women generally are not socially accepted to speak. Females are not forced into silence; however, it is rare for them to speak up unless they have a question.
Furthermore, Holyish encourages each member that is a part of any raid group to read about the boss fights expected to be encountered. He also suggests that we look the fights up on youtube.com so as to see them first hand. Each week, before the raid begins, the raid leader will go through and chose who will participate.
In conclusion, although World of Warcraft is an MMORPG and takes place online only, each guild and raid portrays important group concepts such as leadership, organization, agenda, roles, conflict, decision making, characteristics, and adjourning.

Torture?

Little girl – Ahude

Terrorist – Salim

Human rights activist – Miss Hortsright

Interrogator – Me

            Silence filled the room. Nothing could be heard except for the small whimpering from Ahude and the small hissing sound from the lighter in Agent Wells’ hand.  Ahude, strapped to a chair, wearing a yellow dress with pick flowers, and eyes wide with fear, frantically shifts her focus from her father, sitting half a room away, also strapped to a chair, to the flame inching closer to her delicate skin.

“Daddy?” Ahude called out to her father. She remembered all too well how it felt to be burnt. The kitchen stove top taught her that a few years ago. She never wanted to feel that again.

“Don’t you touch her!” Salim pleadingly demanded never taking his eyes off the flame.

“Tell us where it is Salim and this all ends here,” Agent Wells offered. The flame had heated the small ignition wheel on the lighter and his thumb was beginning to burn. At that, Salim launched a wad of spit across the room landing on the pant leg of Agent Wells. With a reluctant sigh, Agent Wells said, “So be it.” He then put the flame under Ahude’s wiggling hand waving it back and forth under her palm. Ahude began to struggle, trying to free herself to get as far away from the fire as she could. However, the straps held tight and her struggle was to no avail. The flame hurt, she could feel her hand heating up rapidly, beginning to blister.

            Tears start to well up and Ahude begins to cry, wanting to scream out in pain but her father had always taught her not to show pain. She grits her teeth so hard that her jaw begins to hurt.

“C’mon Salim, this can only get worse!” Agent Wells shouted, tears beginning to well up in his eyes as he begins to smell burning flesh.

Ahude lets out a small cry. “Daddy!!” Her tears stream down her face and onto her pretty yellow dress. Strands of her long dark hair stick to her tear soaked face. “Daddy! Make him stop!”

What am I doing? I can’t continue this, thought Agent Wells to himself. Just as Agent Wells was about to pull the flame away, Salim, through exasperated sobs, said, “Alright! Alright. I’ll tell you everything. Anything you want to know. Just please, don’t hurt her anymore.” Salim bowed his head dejectedly, sobbing with tears falling to his chest. “I’ll tell you everything.”

Agent Wells let the flame die out, recognizing the burn on his thumb, but acknowledging that it was no where nearly as bad as the burn on Ahude’s hand. He unstrapped Ahude and led her out the door to the paramedics.

“Give her some pain meds, bandage that up,” Agent Wells directed. Just as he was about to turn to walk back in the room with Salim, Miss Hortsright called out his name walking briskly to him from down the hall.

“An innocent child?!” Miss Hortsright demanded. “You tortured an innocent child Agent Wells! You’re a monster! I hope you rot.”

“Her hand will now be the most famous hand in American history,” Agent Wells calmly replied.

“Humph!”

“But you’re right. I am a monster. I’m going to know that for the rest of my life. But if you will excuse me, I have to retrieve the information that will save thousands.”

---------------

Was it wrong to go through with the torture? Yes, I would have to say it was wrong. But a better question would be, was it necessary? And to that, I also answer yes.

Marital Success

Abstract

Relationships and marriages have many aspects that can cause them to succeed or fail.  Many of these aspects, however, either elude human knowledge or stretch beyond a person’s control.  In years past, researchers have found facets within human interactions in which relationships succeed; facets that do not evade control or knowledge. 

KEY FACTORS TO MARITL SUCCESS

Marriage and marital success have been the topic of counselors and researchers for decades. What makes a marriage last? Several key factors, God, honesty, communication, and love, contribute to what it takes to have a lasting relationship. God needs to be at the center of the relationship. If a couple takes their eyes off God, they can expect to stumble.  Although all relationships have bumpy terrain, there are healthy ways to make it through tough times. Honesty also unlocks the pathway to an enriching relationship; deceit dictates the path of destruction within a marriage. Furthermore, communication plays a very important role in maintaining a marriage. Everyone has needs and the only way to meet those needs is to communicate them.  Love blossoms as the fourth key factor contributing to a successful marriage.

Foresight to Marital Success

            Because of many myths and superstitions claiming to predict the outcome of a marriage, researches have launched methods into finding out whether or not there exist characteristics of people or events that will determine the product of a marriage. 

Myths and Superstitions

            It is amazing how many people and cultures believe that it is bad luck for the groom and bride to see each other before the ceremony (Napolitano, 2010).  Or another myth that says rain on the wedding day will cause the bride to cry all her married life.  A good percentage of people in many cultures believe and rely on these myths and superstitions. Wearing a white wedding dress is another example of a feature from folklore. The Victorian rhyme “Something Old, something new, something borrowed, something blue, and a silver sixpence in her shoe,” has many meanings but is also still followed in modern weddings (Wedding Superstitions and Traditions). If a couple follows every conceivable superstition, the wedding would resemble a circus, particularly one that feeds a cat out of an old shoe so as to ensure a happy wedding (Napolitano, 2009).

Experimental Findings

            Myths and superstitions come off as silly attempts to have a happy marriage, perhaps gambling on pagan gods.  However, a study conducted by Ernest W. Burgess, a sociology professor at the University of Chicago from 1916 through 1960, identified a number of characteristics which aided in predicting marital adjustment (Zuo, 1992).  Burgess found indicators of positive marital adjustments such as psychogenetic personality, impressions of cultural patterns, life organization, career, and economic prospects (Zuo, 1992).  The most promising predictive factors of a happy marriage rested on the happiness of the couples’ parents’ marriage, how many siblings each person had, religion, culture, and education (Zuo, 1992). As a result of these studies, Burgess concluded that marital success could be expected for groups of couples who have certain characteristics (Zuo, 1992).

Promising Characteristics

            Self security portrays promising characteristics of a person within a relationship.  Promising characteristics include confidence in him or herself, in effectiveness, and in expression of his or her needs. Also a person with a capable personality displays solid morals, such as that with right and wrong.  Tying in with their morals, he or she will have values that are not entirely based on pop culture, but on what he or she believes in. Beliefs, morals, and values all bind together in an individual and make them who they are. What a person believes makes them a unique individual.  Furthermore, a promising secure person lacks any underlying major issues such as uncontrollable anger and perhaps an addictive personality.

Christianity and Marriage

            Marriage began with Adam and Eve, portrayed in Genesis of the Jewish and Christian bibles. As God said in the Bible, “¹⁸’it is not good for the man to be alone. I will make him a helper suitable for him.’ ²² The Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man and brought her to the man. ²⁴ For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh,” (Gen.2:18,22,24, New American Standard Version).

Christ and Church Depiction

The Bible compares marriage between a man and woman with that of the Church and Jesus Christ. Christ as the bridegroom and the church as the bride (Eph. 5:23, NASB).

Then the kingdom of heaven will be comparable to ten virgins, who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom.  Five of them were foolish, and five were prudent.  For when the foolish took their lamps, they took no oil with them, but the prudent took oil in flasks along with their lamps.  Now while the bridegroom was delaying, they all got drowsy and began to sleep.  But at midnight there was a shout, 'Behold, the bridegroom! Come out to meet him.'  Then all those virgins rose and trimmed their lamps. The foolish said to the prudent, 'Give us some of your oil, for our lamps are going out.' But the prudent answered, 'No, there will not be enough for us and you too; go instead to the dealers and buy some for yourselves.’  And while they were going away to make the purchase, the bridegroom came, and those who were ready went in with him to the wedding feast; and the door was shut.  Later the other virgins also came, saying, 'Lord, lord, open up for us.’  But he answered, 'Truly I say to you, I do not know you.’  Be on the alert then, for you do not know the day nor the hour. (Matt. 25:1-13, New American Standard Bible.) 

Marriage is conducted and blessed by God making it sacred.  Deceit and defilement have no place within a marriage.

Married to God

            The man is to be the head of the house hold, and the head of the wife.  Likewise, Christ is the head of the church, and the church is the body.  “God is love, and the one who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him,” (1 John 4:16c, NASB).  Love is tolerant and well mannered (1 Cor. 13, NASB).  It does not envy or boast and is not arrogant (1 Cor. 13, NASB).  Love is not rude or self-seeking or easily angered nor does it keep any record of wrong doing (1 Cor. 13, NASB).

Communication

            Why does communication hold such value within a marriage?  Communication spans a vast plain of recognition.  In order for a couple to understand one another, concerning needs and wants, a level of communication has to be conducted. 

Verbal Communication

            Verbal communication covers many aspects of human socializing. Spoken communication ranges from words, speech, tone of voice, revealing intentions and desires.  Language is a powerful tool when communicating between couples.  Likewise, language affects thought (Seiler, W.J., 2008).  The elements of language include sounds (tone of voice), words, grammar, and meaning.

Body Language

            Body language is just as important as spoken communication, but in some ways, communicates different intentions and desires. One of the main differences between verbal and non-verbal communication is that non-verbal communication occurs constantly (Seiler, W.J., 2008).  Many believe that it portrays more truth as well, such as facial expressions, tenseness, etc.  The types of nonverbal communication range from body movements to touch, space, smell, silence, and environment (Seiler, W.J., 2008).

Emotional Expression

            Within a marriage, the ability to express emotions is just as important as communication and expression altogether.  Although a spouse may be able to interpret an emotion from the other, the reason to as why that emotion is being had is still elusive.  A husband needs to clue his wife in to how he is feeling and why, for a wife will not understand fully. Likewise, a wife needs to explain and communicate how she is feeling to her husband.  Emotions have many brackets, but one of the most important is expressing love through sexuality. Sex towers over any other affection and knights itself as the deepest expression of love.

Relationship Languages

            Many people come from different backgrounds and possess different relationship processing skills.  Some folks interpret love differently than others, and some people attempt to earn or recognize love and worthiness in different ways.

The Five Love Languages

            The Five Love Languages written by Gary Chapman describe in detail that every person possesses a love language, or a way of receiving and expressing love to others (2004). The five love languages consist of five emotional expressions: quality time, acts of service, physical touch, words of affirmation, and gift giving.  Quality time refers to those who prefer to spend time with loved ones, as a way of showing that they love someone.  In reflection, they also feel loved when someone spends one on one time with them as well. Acts of service refers to people who like and enjoy doing things, such as favors, for other people to express love.  Also, when someone does something for them, they also in return feel loved.  For those people who enjoy hugging, holding hands, or cuddling inherit the love language of physical touch.  These people do not necessarily feel emotionally close to someone else if there is never or hardly any touch involved.  Compliments and encouragement carry a long way with people who possess the love language of words of affirmation. Lastly, gift giving refers to those who prefer to give a gift, from the heart.  They enjoy giving gifts and feel loved when receiving gifts from another.  Each person has at least one love language, but some have more than one, but still at least one dominant language (Chapman, 2004).

Relationship Styles

Just as with love languages, every person contains a relationship style, unique unto themselves.  From the book Why You Do the Things You Do by Dr. Tim Clinton and Dr. Gary Sibcy, people are described as having a secure relationship style, ambivalent, avoidant, or a disorganized relationship style (2006). Some people may be able to relate to more than one, however, always have a dominate style.

Those possessing the secure attachment style effortlessly believe that they are worthy of love, are capable of getting love, and that others are willing and able to love them.  One of the most major characteristics of a secure person is the ability to understand and experience the whole field of emotions and the capability to express them efficiently.  Secure people do not feel the need to earn their self worth (Sibcy, 2006).  They were raised in an environment where other people respected their feelings and because of this they find it easy to respect the feelings of others.  They are confident that they can affect the feelings of other people without any manipulation, and still get their desires expressed.  Those with a secure relationship style do not fear emotions from themselves or from anyone else and they have no uncertainties with seeking and accepting comfort from other people (Sibcy, 2006). 

            Beliefs that fuel the ambivalent relationship style include a feeling of unworthiness and imperfection and they are unable to receive love from anyone. The person with the ambivalent attachment style feels that the people they love give off the impression that they are on borrowed time and that at any moment will be left and abandoned. They also fear abandonment and in order to win the approval and acceptance of others, they must “dance,” (Sibcy, 2006). They must constantly work to earn other people’s interest and love. Inside, ambivalent people are needy and may feel incompetent, however, are enjoyable people to be around. Ambivalent people experience strong emotion, love, and laughter (Sibcy, 2006). The fear of rejection can spawn unhealthy behaviors within these people such as a very low self-esteem, frequent sought after assurance, nurturance, and support; they become obsessed with the fear of being left alone (such as their spouse dying), feeling helpless when alone, and making others superior to themselves (Sibcy, 2006). 

            The avoidant relationship style contains the characteristics of a person who believes that they are worthy of love only based on their accomplishments and others are unwilling and incapable of loving them. Avoidant people become tense and uncomfortable when touched. Avoidant people also feel that they must rely on themselves to get what they need, that includes emotionally and mentally (Sibcy, 2006). One shade of the avoidant lifestyle is narcissism.

The disorganized relationship style is just that, disorganized. These people believe that they are not worthy of love, and incapable of getting the love that they feel they need without being angry or clingy (Sibcy, 2006). They also believe that other people are unable to meet their needs so they are very untrusting.  Disorganized people feel that other people around them are abusive, but they deserve to be abused (Sibcy, 2006). These people are also addicted to chaos, seeming to follow it and cause it in many of their relationships. Usually born and raised in an abusive home, ranging from verbal abuse, to incest (Sibcy, 2006).

Marriage and the Family

A secure marriage has a lasting and positive impact on children.  Usually, children who come from secure marriages become secure in themselves leading the secure relationship style discussed earlier. A good marriage leads to good parenting, and good parenting will lead to further healthy relationships.

Divorce on Children

Directly or indirectly involved all parties experience and suffer consequences of a divorce; from the actual spouses, to the friends and family, and to the marriage counselors desperately fighting for a solution to keep the couple from separating.  However, one of the most vulnerable and the most sensitive person to a divorce is a child.  Generally, the child is stuck in the middle of the devastating battle, feeling helpless, anxious, angry, or even to blame.  When one parent is taken out of the picture of the family, the child may feel a disconnection or possibly a lasting separation from that parent. Unfortunately, the affects that a child bears may continue on in life, affecting every relationship and social endeavor the person might experience.

Conclusion

            Many marriages, engagements, and relationships end because the couple did not put God at the center of focus.  A failed relationship is nearly always a result of bad communication, dishonesty and selfishness.  In order to obtain a healthy marriage or relationship, God must be at the center focus.  The two parties must always be honest and always communicate clearly with one another.  Along with clear communication, expression of love through the five love languages is essential to a lasting and successful marriage. 

                                                                                        

Reference Page

Chapman, Gary. (2004). The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Chicago: Northfield Publishing.

Eggerichs, Emerson. (2004). Love and Respect: The Love She Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs. Nashville: Thomas Nelson.

Napolitano, Wenona. (2009). Marriage Folklore and Superstitions: Explore lesser known wedding beliefs. Retrieved from http://wedding-planning.suite101.com/article.cfm/marriage_folklore_and_superstitions.

Napolitano, Wenona. (2010). History of Marriage Folklore and Superstitions. Retrieved from http://www.life123.com/relationships/weddings/wedding-customs-traditions/marriage-folklore-and-superstitions.shtml.

Seiler, W.J., & Beall, M.L. (2008). Communication: Making Connections (7^th Ed.). New York: Pearson.

Sibcy, Gary, & Clinton, Tim. (2006). Why You Do the Things You Do: The Secret to Healthy Relationships. Nashville: Thomas Nelson.

Wedding Superstitions and Traditions, (n.d.). Retrieved May 08, 2010, from http://www.weddings.co.uk/info/tradsup.htm.

Zuo, Jiping. 1992. “The reciprocal relationship between marital interaction and marital happiness: A three-wave study.” Journal of Marriage and the Family. 54 (4): 870-878.  

Relationships

Dr. Time Clinton’s and Dr. Gary Sibcy’s book “Why You Do the Things You Do,” highlighted that every person develops a relationship style stemming from childhood. Clinton and Sibcy touched base with four different relationship styles: secure, ambivalent, avoidant, and disorganized. The most solid relationship style is secure, and Clinton and Sibcy explain that no matter which relationship style a person finds themselves in, there is hope to develop a healthy secure relationship style.
Clinton illuminated that babies have a special relationship with their parents, particularly the mother. This relationship will largely affect a person’s relationship weaknesses and strengths. As a child, my parents fostered a secure bond with me, without too much smothering and with just enough space. As a Christian, I feel secure in my Father in Heaven, but I struggle with idols of the heart, which sometimes becomes a stumbling block in my relationship with God.
Those with the secure attachment style easily feel that they are worthy of love, are capable of getting love, and that others are willing and able to love them. One of the most prominent characteristics of a secure person is the ability to experience the whole field of emotions and the capability to express them effectively. Secure people do not feel the need to earn their self worth. They were raised in an environment where other people respected their feelings. Because of this, secure people find it easy to respect the feelings of others. They’re confident that they can affect the feelings of other people without any manipulation, and still get their desires across. Those with a secure relationship style do not fear emotions from themselves or from anyone else. They have no qualms with seeking and accepting comfort from other people and they act when action is needed. Although my parents did well with me, even though they were divorced since I was three years old, I feel I was raised and parented as a secure relationship style. It have been through events in my life, relationship failures, that has led me astray from a secure attachment style. It could also be due to the fact that although my parents did well raising me, as far as emotional connection was concerned, I still took in that they were divorced and I have feared that happening to me with my own relationships.
Beliefs that fuel the ambivalent relationship style include a feeling of unworthiness and the feeling that they’re flawed and unable to receive love from anyone. The person with the ambivalent attachment style feels that the people they love give off the impression that they’re on borrowed time and that at any moment will be left and abandoned. People who have the ambivalent relationship style fear abandonment. They also feel that in order to win the approval and acceptance of others, they must dance. They must constantly work to earn other people’s interest and love. Inside, ambivalent people are needy and may feel incompetent. However, they are enjoyable people to be around. A person with this style make those surrounding them feel good about themselves. Ambivalent people experience strong emotion, love, and laughter. The fear of rejection can spawn unhealthy behaviors within these people such as a very low self-esteem, frequently seeking assurance, nurturance, and support, feeling obsessed with the fear of being left alone (such as their spouse dying), feeling helpless when alone, and making others superior to themselves. I have become the very definition of the ambivalent relationship style. As I read this chapter, I thought I was nearly reading a profile about me. My biggest dream in life is not to have riches and fame, but to have a family. My worst fear is a direct contradiction to my dream and it is losing my family. Sometimes, the fear of losing them overpowers the dream of having a family that I at times feel like not even aiming to find a partner.
The avoidant relationship style contains the characteristics of a person who believes that they are worthy of love only based on their accomplishments and others are unwilling and incapable of loving them. Avoidant people are turned off by touch. I have a friend who displays this characteristic. She is comfortable expressing herself, just not by touch. As she has described it to me, she gets tense and awkward when it comes to either her boyfriend touching her or her touching her boyfriend. She doesn’t understand why she is like this and I tried to explain to her that perhaps she is the avoidant lifestyle type person. After having read quite a few excerpts from Clinton and Sibcy’s book, she said she could relate to it. Avoidant people also feel that they must rely on themselves to get what they need, that includes emotionally and mentally. One shade of the avoidant lifestyle is narcissism. I had a friend who was the epitome of this avoidant narcissistic lifestyle. He constantly sought praise for himself, to the point of over exaggerating many aspects of his character and of his life, almost as though he was trying to prove more to himself, than to anyone else, that he was worthy. Because of this, he was also very arrogant and had an inflated sense of self-worth. He drove away a lot of his friends, all that I know, because he was very sensitive to criticism and responded many times with intense anger. I remember he threatened to crush one of our friends with a chair by lifting it up and holding it over the person. Another time, he threatened me over a silly game. The more I read of the avoidant attachment style chapter, the more I understood why my friend was like that, and the more I sympathized with him. When he was young, his father abandoned him and his little brother. His mother, although caring, seemed to be very critical of him and his brother and rarely rewarding. She drove them to perfection without showing appreciation. I know that he resented his father for abandoning him and I know he did not favor his mother more than she had to be favored.
Lastly, the disorganized relationship style is just that, disorganized. These people believe that they’re not worthy of love, and incapable of getting the love that they feel they need without being angry or clingy. They also believe that other people are unable to meet their needs so they are also untrusting. Disorganized attachment style people feel that other people around them are abusive, but they deserve to be abused. These people are also addicted to chaos, seeming to follow it and cause it in many of their relationships. Usually a disorganized person was born and raised in an abusive home, ranging from verbal abuse, to incest.
This book brought some tough memories back to life for me. As I mentioned before, I find that I fit the profile of the ambivalent relationship style; not so much because of how I was raised, but as it seems to be a reoccurring thing in all my relationships. I believe, of course, that my parents’ divorce did have something to do with it, but what I believe more, is that the girl I once almost married, had more to do with it. I met a girl in high school my freshman year. She was a senior. I’ll refer to her as Amber. Amber turned out to be a girl who was on fire for the Lord so she instantly attracted me. She and I became close friends. I found out that she was in fact engaged to a marine and he was overseas. Over time, however, she ended up admitting to me that she had developed feelings for me. I, of course, had as well. By the time she graduated, it had come to a point in her life that she had to choose between me and her fiancé. From her family’s persuasion, she chose her fiancé. It hurt me greatly and I was upset about the whole ordeal for quite some time, but got over it and befriended her again, after she was married. I met her husband and he was actually a pretty stand up guy. About a year passed and her husband turned himself in for child molestation. He went to prison for two years. In that two years, Amber and I got close again, but not romantically. She had decided to stay with her husband and get him some help. Two years later, he was released and life for her seemed to go on. Four months after that, however, he molested again, and went back to jail. This time, Amber relied on me for a shoulder to cry on and I was there for her. She decided this time to get a divorce and I made sure I was there for her.
During this her divorce, she began to have feelings for me once again, this having been 4 years after the first episode. She was my first love so it was easy to return those feelings. This time however, there was nothing holding her back, so she openly loved me. We had made plans to get married, and within two years, have children together. Things were great. Then, suddenly, it was over. No explanation from her. She had met someone else. I was bitter towards her for three years after that, refusing to go anywhere I might run into her. She ended up marrying another marine. Her story, however, ended badly. Her and her new husband, three weeks after the wedding, got in a car accident, and he died. I felt bad for her and I prayed for her. Point being, she hurt me twice, abandoned me twice in my life. I think that is was because of these events, primarily, that I am the ambivalent relationship style. I fear abandonment more than anything; whether that abandonment be voluntary, like Amber’s, or involuntary, such as death.