A Biblical Perspective of Healthy Sexual Intimacy

Abstract

The Gift of Sex: A guide to sexual fulfillment by Clifford and Joyce Penner (2003) reveals a new world of sex for Christian married couples.  By reading this book together, a couple can learn how to communicate their sexual desires to each other, which would include likes and dislikes.  Penners’ book will also enable a married couple to enjoy one another, resolve sexual difficulties, and achieve and experience greater sexual pleasure.

A Biblical Perspective of Healthy Sexual Intimacy

From different experiences growing up, some couples experience a sexual disagreement, with each other, and with themselves. Some may feel sex is meant for procreation only, or some may believe that sex is a disgusting and naughty act.  The truth overcomes these false assumptions and plows intimacy into a whole new realm of enjoyment and love.  God created each person with sexual organs, enhanced for pleasure and procreation and fun. By inviting God into the bedroom, sex becomes the deepest most pure form of love within a marriage.

Biblical Perspective of Sex

            The Bible makes clear that God created humans as sexual beings, particularly in Song of Solomon.  God’s intention and value of our sexuality and His regard for a sexual relationship within the covenant of marriage are made clear in the Bible (Penner, 2003). 

It is a Gift From God

            Several verses in the bible describe, approve of, and give reference to sex.  The Old Testament book Songs of Solomon portrays the relationship between a husband and wife fulfilling each other sexually.  “Sexuality is part of God’s plan of creation.  Our maleness and femaleness, our sexuality, is not something added on or part of our sinful natures; it is part of the original perfect creation of mankind.  It’s in our bones. By implication, then, our sexuality is nothing to be ashamed of, but rather something to enjoy,” (Penner, 2003).  Sex should be enjoyed by the husband and the wife, encouraged even beyond the intentions of procreation.  Sex presents itself as the deepest form of love: becoming one flesh. A husband and wife should enjoy each other’s bodies without limitations, except that set by one or both persons.

The Physical Dimension

            Discovering our bodies is part of growing up and maturing, learning the locations, functions, and purposes of each body organ, especially the sex organs.  “[Our sexual parts] were there from the moment of creation and are to be enjoyed and discovered,” (Penner, 2003).  We are brought up in our culture to perceive body and sexual exploration, even as curious children, as shameful and forbidden.  Why do we perceive shame? We now more fully understand that this should not be the case because God gave us these bodies and the sexual interest we experience (Penner, 2003).  It is partly due to the fall of Man.  When Adam and Eve sinned, they saw they were naked and hid themselves (Genesis 3:7, New American Standard Bible). If a parent or parents never teach their child that exploring his or her body is shameful or disgusting or perverse, the child will never perceive his or her body as a completely closed vessel.  When a person experiences discomfort during sex or at the mere mention of sex, it is generally the cause of their childhood and how they were raised or even abused.  Parents should want their children to feel comfortable to explore their bodies, privately or with parents as supportive guides.  A mother and father should teach their children that their genitals are not naughty areas, but special private areas.

How Our Bodies Work and Sexually Respond

            After having only lived five to ten minutes, a male newborn will experience an erection.  Twenty-four hours after having been born, a female’s vagina will lubricate (Penner, 2003). During puberty girls and boys go through some of the same changes and some very different changes. Girls will begin to develop breasts, which grow at differing rates, and grow pubic hair around the vagina (Penner, 2003).  This is also the time a female will begin her first menstrual cycle. The voices of males, most noticeably, will grow deeper and boys will also grow pubic hair around their penis and scrotum.  During a pivotal moment, referred to as a “wet dream,” a male will gain the ability to ejaculate. Commonly, both males and females will go through many hormone changes as well (Penner, 2003).  The sex drive, beginning at puberty and continuing the remainder of his or her life, is triggered by the hormone testosterone (Penner, 2003).

            Two nervous system branches affect sexual arousal and experience.  The first, parasympathetic nervous system (PNS) has an increasing affect on the body.  Passivity and relaxation can activate the PNS (Penner, 2003).  The second arousal related branch is the sympathetic nervous system (SNS) which is our energy system.  It activates when we are anxious or intensely aroused emotionally and has more to do with release or relief than arousal (Penner, 2003).  The PNS controls excitement or sexual arousal (Penner, 2003).  When a person is aroused, blood and fluid rush to the genitals, producing the erection in a male and the vaginal lubrication and swelling in the female.  “We have found it helpful for some men and women with arousal problems to think of ‘getting with’ their parasympathetic or getting out of their heads and into the penises or vaginas—going with the sensation of the moment.  Another way of saying this is that we have to let our bodies respond without letting our brains get in the way,” (Penner, 2003).

 The orgasm of men and women are an SNS function. Our bodies shift from PNS dominance to SNS control just as we are approaching orgasm (Penner, 2003).  “One can stop his leg from jerking even if the knee is tapped.  Even so, we can stop an orgasm from occurring when the necessary stimulation has taken place, but we cannot cause or will a leg jerk or an orgasm,” (Penner, 2003).  Males respond sexually by visual and physical stimulation as women respond by emotional and physical stimulation.

Experiencing Love Making From Beginning to End

Playfulness

            To increase the sexual experience, a husband or wife should become playful, eager, and affectionate.  “There can be many sources for sexual arousal in our world. You may or may not be aware of responding to these. You might not even notice what stimulates or decreases your sexual interest,” (Penner, 2003).  A time, a place, a smell, or a site could easily stimulate or peak sexual interest within the husband or wife.  Many researches claim aid from aphrodisiacs.  Setting aside a time to be together as a couple is always encouraged and applauded: a time where no obligations, demands, restrictions, or distractions occur. A couple can find a time, daily or weekly, to admire, love, adore, and feel comfortable with one another (Penner, 2003).  It is good-natured for one spouse to flirt, touch, tease, and initiate sex with the other.  This playfulness does not have to be the job of only one spouse, but both.  Just as the wife enjoys the interest her husband displays, so does the husband enjoy the sexual eagerness of his wife.

            Spice things up by cooking dinner together.  Usually, it needs to be decided upon what is acceptable and what is not between spouses.  A couple may find it exhilarating to enjoy nudity while at home together, to whereas another couple may find the notion disagreeable.  A married couple could also shower together or bathe together regularly, having no expectations (Penner, 2003).  Anything is acceptable within the comfort of the couple as long as what is being done does not take interest away from one another (Mars Hill). 

Becoming One

“God’s intention for sex is for unity, pleasure, and procreations. We are to leave our father and mother and become one flesh. We are to be totally open and unashamed with our spouse. We are to be fruitful and multiply. All these purposes of sex are to be fulfilled in marriage,” (Penner, 2003).  A couple must connect on more than just a physical level.  They must connect emotionally, spiritually, and physically (Penner, 2003).  There are many sexual positions that could be used while a husband and wife make love.  There are also many techniques for any or special occasions between a wife and husband.  A couple can participate in mutual masturbation with one another, use sex toys, and perform oral sex.  For any of these practices, both spouses have to be in agreement and feel completely willing and comfortable (Mars Hill). 

Respecting Your Partner

            The respect a husband shows for his wife or the respect a wife shows for her husband may be one of the most important aspects of the marital sexual experience.  “The woman needs the man to back off when her body is ready but her feelings are not. She needs room to allow her feelings to catch up with her body’s response. This can happen only if she is free of the demand to be ready,” (Penner, 2003).  A man is to insert his penis into his wife’s vagina only when she gives him the “O.K.” The reason is because it is the wife’s body being invaded, and secondly, it has to be a mutual decision (Penner, 2003).  If a man enters without invitation, it is a wall crushing breach of the wife’s personal space and security.  Respect also includes care, and the first way to show care is by affirmation. 

Just as words of affirmation shows one spouse the love of the other spouse, especially if it is the love language of one or the other (Chapman, 2004), words and actions of affirmation work just as powerfully during and after sex.  Wives have complained that after sex, her husband will flop to the side, roll over with his back to her, and delve into dreamland.  This unintentional action of the husband leaves the wife feeling used, anxious, lonely, and set apart.  After sex, cuddling, snuggling, and enjoying the moment is a much more affectionate way to express appreciation, love, care, and respect (Penner, 2003).  The sexually initiating spouse should be respectful and non-demanding of his or her partner.  The husband should not make his wife feel obligated because love making is just that, love making.  A husband should not feel as though it is a chore to make love, but feel as though it is the reward he receives from his wife.

Enjoying the Sexual Experience

Meeting Your Spouse’s Needs

             A wife and a husband should try to meet the sexual and emotional needs of each other.  Sometimes, a woman will have certain needs, things that she needs to be done to her in order for her to reach climax or feel satisfied.  Some women claim not to be able to reach climax by penal penetration alone.  Some men may enjoy giving their wives oral sex more than they even enjoy receiving oral sex.

            Men should try to meet their wives’ needs, whatever they may be, unless her needs go directly against his conscience.  Some women enjoy using sex toys in order to experience double penetration with their husbands, but some husbands may feel uncomfortable with the idea.  Or some women enjoy anal sex, which some men may be completely against.  If either spouse openly asks for a specific sexual pleasure, if it is not completely against the other spouse’s beliefs or pain threshold, then it is suggested to go through with it.  And if one spouse is completely against an activity, he or she is not to criticize his or her spouse or belittle him or her, but simply talk about it in a loving manner.  The same way, some men may enjoy giving their wives anal sex, but the wife may not like it and sometimes may even be in pain.  Some husbands also may desire for their wives to receive his sperm into her mouth, but some wives may find this disgusting or gross.  Treading carefully not to force your spouse into something he or she does not want, even though it may be a sexual desire for you, is also a form of respect.  Some needs, however, can be easy.  If the spouse has no problem with it, then perhaps oral sex is a grand idea.  If the spouse has no problem with it, then sometimes, as a wife may prefer, lying naked together while cuddling is a good idea. 

Making Time and Inviting God

            A couple should make time for each other, sexually and non-sexually.  The wife of a husband is important and he should make quality time for her (Chapman, 2004).  Likewise, the husband of a wife is equally important, and a wife should go out of her way to make him feel love and admired.  As a married couple begins to have sex, they should invite God to be with them (Penner, 2003).  “Begin by thanking God for any sexual feelings that you experience during the day.  Then, as you prepare for sexual times with your spouse, ask God to bless your intimacy,” (Penner, 2003).

Non-Sexual Expressions of Love to Increase Sexual Intimacy

The Five Love Languages

            The Five Love Languages written by Gary Chapman describe in detail that every person possesses a love language, or a way of receiving and expressing love to one’s spouse (2004). The five love languages consist of five emotional expressions: quality time, acts of service, physical touch, words of affirmation, and gift giving.  Quality time refers to the spouse that prefers to spend time with his or her partner, as a way of showing that he or she loves him or her.  In reflection, they also feel loved when time is made to spend time with them as well. Acts of service refers to people who like and enjoy doing things, such as favors, for their spouses to express love.  Also, when the other spouse does something for him or her, he or she also in return feels loved.  For those people who enjoy hugging, holding hands, or cuddling inherit the love language of physical touch.  These people do not necessarily feel emotionally close to someone else if there is never or hardly any touch involved.  Compliments and encouragement carry a long way with people, mostly wives, who possess the love language of words of affirmation, as mentioned above. Lastly, gift giving refers to those who prefer to give a gift, from the heart.  They enjoy giving gifts and feel loved when receiving gifts from another.  Each person has at least one love language, but some have more than one, but still at least one dominant language (Chapman, 2004).

Just as with love languages, every person contains a relationship style, unique unto themselves.  From the book Why You Do the Things You Do by Dr. Tim Clinton and Dr. Gary Sibcy, people are described as having a secure relationship style, ambivalent, avoidant, or a disorganized relationship style (2006). Some people may be able to relate to more than one, however, always have a dominate style.

Conclusion

            Many couples experience stress, obligations, anxiety, or pressure when it comes to making love.  A lot of these problems are due to fear, inexperience, or physical or emotional discomfort.  Couples that experience these problems should speak with a counselor and try to resolve the setbacks.   Sex within marriage is biblical and supported by many scriptures, such as Songs of Solomon, Genesis, and Corinthians.  As it outlines in the bible, we were created with pleasurable sexual organs, sex drives and hormones, and sexual interests and intentions.  As a loving expression, as an intimate notion, sex is the deepest form of love within a marriage and should be expressed regularly.

Reference Page

Anderson, Dr. Neil T. (1995). Discipleship Counseling: The complete guide to helping others walk in freedom and grow in Christ. Ventura: Regal.

Chapman, Gary. (2004). The Five Love Languages: How to express heartfelt commitment to your mate. Chicago: Northfield Publishing.

Mars Hill Church. (n.d.) Retrieved August 22, 2010, from http://www.marshillchurch.org/

Penner, Clifford, & Penner, Joyce. (2003). The Gift of Sex: A guide to sexual fulfillment. Nashville: Thomas Nelson.

Sibcy, Gary, & Clinton, Tim. (2006). Why You Do the Things You Do: The Secret to Healthy Relationships. Nashville: Thomas Nelson.