Abstract
Relationships and marriages have many aspects that can cause them to succeed or fail. Many of these aspects, however, either elude human knowledge or stretch beyond a person’s control. In years past, researchers have found facets within human interactions in which relationships succeed; facets that do not evade control or knowledge.
KEY FACTORS TO MARITL SUCCESS
Marriage and marital success have been the topic of counselors and researchers for decades. What makes a marriage last? Several key factors, God, honesty, communication, and love, contribute to what it takes to have a lasting relationship. God needs to be at the center of the relationship. If a couple takes their eyes off God, they can expect to stumble. Although all relationships have bumpy terrain, there are healthy ways to make it through tough times. Honesty also unlocks the pathway to an enriching relationship; deceit dictates the path of destruction within a marriage. Furthermore, communication plays a very important role in maintaining a marriage. Everyone has needs and the only way to meet those needs is to communicate them. Love blossoms as the fourth key factor contributing to a successful marriage.
Foresight to Marital Success
Because of many myths and superstitions claiming to predict the outcome of a marriage, researches have launched methods into finding out whether or not there exist characteristics of people or events that will determine the product of a marriage.
Myths and Superstitions
It is amazing how many people and cultures believe that it is bad luck for the groom and bride to see each other before the ceremony (Napolitano, 2010). Or another myth that says rain on the wedding day will cause the bride to cry all her married life. A good percentage of people in many cultures believe and rely on these myths and superstitions. Wearing a white wedding dress is another example of a feature from folklore. The Victorian rhyme “Something Old, something new, something borrowed, something blue, and a silver sixpence in her shoe,” has many meanings but is also still followed in modern weddings (Wedding Superstitions and Traditions). If a couple follows every conceivable superstition, the wedding would resemble a circus, particularly one that feeds a cat out of an old shoe so as to ensure a happy wedding (Napolitano, 2009).
Experimental Findings
Myths and superstitions come off as silly attempts to have a happy marriage, perhaps gambling on pagan gods. However, a study conducted by Ernest W. Burgess, a sociology professor at the University of Chicago from 1916 through 1960, identified a number of characteristics which aided in predicting marital adjustment (Zuo, 1992). Burgess found indicators of positive marital adjustments such as psychogenetic personality, impressions of cultural patterns, life organization, career, and economic prospects (Zuo, 1992). The most promising predictive factors of a happy marriage rested on the happiness of the couples’ parents’ marriage, how many siblings each person had, religion, culture, and education (Zuo, 1992). As a result of these studies, Burgess concluded that marital success could be expected for groups of couples who have certain characteristics (Zuo, 1992).
Promising Characteristics
Self security portrays promising characteristics of a person within a relationship. Promising characteristics include confidence in him or herself, in effectiveness, and in expression of his or her needs. Also a person with a capable personality displays solid morals, such as that with right and wrong. Tying in with their morals, he or she will have values that are not entirely based on pop culture, but on what he or she believes in. Beliefs, morals, and values all bind together in an individual and make them who they are. What a person believes makes them a unique individual. Furthermore, a promising secure person lacks any underlying major issues such as uncontrollable anger and perhaps an addictive personality.
Christianity and Marriage
Marriage began with Adam and Eve, portrayed in Genesis of the Jewish and Christian bibles. As God said in the Bible, “18’it is not good for the man to be alone. I will make him a helper suitable for him.’ 22 The Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man and brought her to the man. 24 For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh,” (Gen.2:18,22,24, New American Standard Version).
Christ and Church Depiction
The Bible compares marriage between a man and woman with that of the Church and Jesus Christ. Christ as the bridegroom and the church as the bride (Eph. 5:23, NASB).
Then the kingdom of heaven will be comparable to ten virgins, who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom. Five of them were foolish, and five were prudent. For when the foolish took their lamps, they took no oil with them, but the prudent took oil in flasks along with their lamps. Now while the bridegroom was delaying, they all got drowsy and began to sleep. But at midnight there was a shout, 'Behold, the bridegroom! Come out to meet him.' Then all those virgins rose and trimmed their lamps. The foolish said to the prudent, 'Give us some of your oil, for our lamps are going out.' But the prudent answered, 'No, there will not be enough for us and you too; go instead to the dealers and buy some for yourselves.’ And while they were going away to make the purchase, the bridegroom came, and those who were ready went in with him to the wedding feast; and the door was shut. Later the other virgins also came, saying, 'Lord, lord, open up for us.’ But he answered, 'Truly I say to you, I do not know you.’ Be on the alert then, for you do not know the day nor the hour. (Matt. 25:1-13, New American Standard Bible.)
Marriage is conducted and blessed by God making it sacred. Deceit and defilement have no place within a marriage.
Married to God
The man is to be the head of the house hold, and the head of the wife. Likewise, Christ is the head of the church, and the church is the body. “God is love, and the one who abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him,” (1 John 4:16c, NASB). Love is tolerant and well mannered (1 Cor. 13, NASB). It does not envy or boast and is not arrogant (1 Cor. 13, NASB). Love is not rude or self-seeking or easily angered nor does it keep any record of wrong doing (1 Cor. 13, NASB).
Communication
Why does communication hold such value within a marriage? Communication spans a vast plain of recognition. In order for a couple to understand one another, concerning needs and wants, a level of communication has to be conducted.
Verbal Communication
Verbal communication covers many aspects of human socializing. Spoken communication ranges from words, speech, tone of voice, revealing intentions and desires. Language is a powerful tool when communicating between couples. Likewise, language affects thought (Seiler, W.J., 2008). The elements of language include sounds (tone of voice), words, grammar, and meaning.
Body Language
Body language is just as important as spoken communication, but in some ways, communicates different intentions and desires. One of the main differences between verbal and non-verbal communication is that non-verbal communication occurs constantly (Seiler, W.J., 2008). Many believe that it portrays more truth as well, such as facial expressions, tenseness, etc. The types of nonverbal communication range from body movements to touch, space, smell, silence, and environment (Seiler, W.J., 2008).
Emotional Expression
Within a marriage, the ability to express emotions is just as important as communication and expression altogether. Although a spouse may be able to interpret an emotion from the other, the reason to as why that emotion is being had is still elusive. A husband needs to clue his wife in to how he is feeling and why, for a wife will not understand fully. Likewise, a wife needs to explain and communicate how she is feeling to her husband. Emotions have many brackets, but one of the most important is expressing love through sexuality. Sex towers over any other affection and knights itself as the deepest expression of love.
Relationship Languages
Many people come from different backgrounds and possess different relationship processing skills. Some folks interpret love differently than others, and some people attempt to earn or recognize love and worthiness in different ways.
The Five Love Languages
The Five Love Languages written by Gary Chapman describe in detail that every person possesses a love language, or a way of receiving and expressing love to others (2004). The five love languages consist of five emotional expressions: quality time, acts of service, physical touch, words of affirmation, and gift giving. Quality time refers to those who prefer to spend time with loved ones, as a way of showing that they love someone. In reflection, they also feel loved when someone spends one on one time with them as well. Acts of service refers to people who like and enjoy doing things, such as favors, for other people to express love. Also, when someone does something for them, they also in return feel loved. For those people who enjoy hugging, holding hands, or cuddling inherit the love language of physical touch. These people do not necessarily feel emotionally close to someone else if there is never or hardly any touch involved. Compliments and encouragement carry a long way with people who possess the love language of words of affirmation. Lastly, gift giving refers to those who prefer to give a gift, from the heart. They enjoy giving gifts and feel loved when receiving gifts from another. Each person has at least one love language, but some have more than one, but still at least one dominant language (Chapman, 2004).
Relationship Styles
Just as with love languages, every person contains a relationship style, unique unto themselves. From the book Why You Do the Things You Do by Dr. Tim Clinton and Dr. Gary Sibcy, people are described as having a secure relationship style, ambivalent, avoidant, or a disorganized relationship style (2006). Some people may be able to relate to more than one, however, always have a dominate style.
Those possessing the secure attachment style effortlessly believe that they are worthy of love, are capable of getting love, and that others are willing and able to love them. One of the most major characteristics of a secure person is the ability to understand and experience the whole field of emotions and the capability to express them efficiently. Secure people do not feel the need to earn their self worth (Sibcy, 2006). They were raised in an environment where other people respected their feelings and because of this they find it easy to respect the feelings of others. They are confident that they can affect the feelings of other people without any manipulation, and still get their desires expressed. Those with a secure relationship style do not fear emotions from themselves or from anyone else and they have no uncertainties with seeking and accepting comfort from other people (Sibcy, 2006).
Beliefs that fuel the ambivalent relationship style include a feeling of unworthiness and imperfection and they are unable to receive love from anyone. The person with the ambivalent attachment style feels that the people they love give off the impression that they are on borrowed time and that at any moment will be left and abandoned. They also fear abandonment and in order to win the approval and acceptance of others, they must “dance,” (Sibcy, 2006). They must constantly work to earn other people’s interest and love. Inside, ambivalent people are needy and may feel incompetent, however, are enjoyable people to be around. Ambivalent people experience strong emotion, love, and laughter (Sibcy, 2006). The fear of rejection can spawn unhealthy behaviors within these people such as a very low self-esteem, frequent sought after assurance, nurturance, and support; they become obsessed with the fear of being left alone (such as their spouse dying), feeling helpless when alone, and making others superior to themselves (Sibcy, 2006).
The avoidant relationship style contains the characteristics of a person who believes that they are worthy of love only based on their accomplishments and others are unwilling and incapable of loving them. Avoidant people become tense and uncomfortable when touched. Avoidant people also feel that they must rely on themselves to get what they need, that includes emotionally and mentally (Sibcy, 2006). One shade of the avoidant lifestyle is narcissism.
The disorganized relationship style is just that, disorganized. These people believe that they are not worthy of love, and incapable of getting the love that they feel they need without being angry or clingy (Sibcy, 2006). They also believe that other people are unable to meet their needs so they are very untrusting. Disorganized people feel that other people around them are abusive, but they deserve to be abused (Sibcy, 2006). These people are also addicted to chaos, seeming to follow it and cause it in many of their relationships. Usually born and raised in an abusive home, ranging from verbal abuse, to incest (Sibcy, 2006).
Marriage and the Family
A secure marriage has a lasting and positive impact on children. Usually, children who come from secure marriages become secure in themselves leading the secure relationship style discussed earlier. A good marriage leads to good parenting, and good parenting will lead to further healthy relationships.
Divorce on Children
Directly or indirectly involved all parties experience and suffer consequences of a divorce; from the actual spouses, to the friends and family, and to the marriage counselors desperately fighting for a solution to keep the couple from separating. However, one of the most vulnerable and the most sensitive person to a divorce is a child. Generally, the child is stuck in the middle of the devastating battle, feeling helpless, anxious, angry, or even to blame. When one parent is taken out of the picture of the family, the child may feel a disconnection or possibly a lasting separation from that parent. Unfortunately, the affects that a child bears may continue on in life, affecting every relationship and social endeavor the person might experience.
Conclusion
Many marriages, engagements, and relationships end because the couple did not put God at the center of focus. A failed relationship is nearly always a result of bad communication, dishonesty and selfishness. In order to obtain a healthy marriage or relationship, God must be at the center focus. The two parties must always be honest and always communicate clearly with one another. Along with clear communication, expression of love through the five love languages is essential to a lasting and successful marriage.
Reference Page
Chapman, Gary. (2004). The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Chicago: Northfield Publishing.
Eggerichs, Emerson. (2004). Love and Respect: The Love She Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs. Nashville: Thomas Nelson.
Napolitano, Wenona. (2009). Marriage Folklore and Superstitions: Explore lesser known wedding beliefs. Retrieved from http://wedding-planning.suite101.com/article.cfm/marriage_folklore_and_superstitions.
Napolitano, Wenona. (2010). History of Marriage Folklore and Superstitions. Retrieved from http://www.life123.com/relationships/weddings/wedding-customs-traditions/marriage-folklore-and-superstitions.shtml.
Seiler, W.J., & Beall, M.L. (2008). Communication: Making Connections (7th Ed.). New York: Pearson.
Sibcy, Gary, & Clinton, Tim. (2006). Why You Do the Things You Do: The Secret to Healthy Relationships. Nashville: Thomas Nelson.
Wedding Superstitions and Traditions, (n.d.). Retrieved May 08, 2010, from http://www.weddings.co.uk/info/tradsup.htm.
Zuo, Jiping. 1992. “The reciprocal relationship between marital interaction and marital happiness: A three-wave study.” Journal of Marriage and the Family. 54 (4): 870-878.
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