Relationships

Dr. Time Clinton’s and Dr. Gary Sibcy’s book “Why You Do the Things You Do,” highlighted that every person develops a relationship style stemming from childhood. Clinton and Sibcy touched base with four different relationship styles: secure, ambivalent, avoidant, and disorganized. The most solid relationship style is secure, and Clinton and Sibcy explain that no matter which relationship style a person finds themselves in, there is hope to develop a healthy secure relationship style.
Clinton illuminated that babies have a special relationship with their parents, particularly the mother. This relationship will largely affect a person’s relationship weaknesses and strengths. As a child, my parents fostered a secure bond with me, without too much smothering and with just enough space. As a Christian, I feel secure in my Father in Heaven, but I struggle with idols of the heart, which sometimes becomes a stumbling block in my relationship with God.
Those with the secure attachment style easily feel that they are worthy of love, are capable of getting love, and that others are willing and able to love them. One of the most prominent characteristics of a secure person is the ability to experience the whole field of emotions and the capability to express them effectively. Secure people do not feel the need to earn their self worth. They were raised in an environment where other people respected their feelings. Because of this, secure people find it easy to respect the feelings of others. They’re confident that they can affect the feelings of other people without any manipulation, and still get their desires across. Those with a secure relationship style do not fear emotions from themselves or from anyone else. They have no qualms with seeking and accepting comfort from other people and they act when action is needed. Although my parents did well with me, even though they were divorced since I was three years old, I feel I was raised and parented as a secure relationship style. It have been through events in my life, relationship failures, that has led me astray from a secure attachment style. It could also be due to the fact that although my parents did well raising me, as far as emotional connection was concerned, I still took in that they were divorced and I have feared that happening to me with my own relationships.
Beliefs that fuel the ambivalent relationship style include a feeling of unworthiness and the feeling that they’re flawed and unable to receive love from anyone. The person with the ambivalent attachment style feels that the people they love give off the impression that they’re on borrowed time and that at any moment will be left and abandoned. People who have the ambivalent relationship style fear abandonment. They also feel that in order to win the approval and acceptance of others, they must dance. They must constantly work to earn other people’s interest and love. Inside, ambivalent people are needy and may feel incompetent. However, they are enjoyable people to be around. A person with this style make those surrounding them feel good about themselves. Ambivalent people experience strong emotion, love, and laughter. The fear of rejection can spawn unhealthy behaviors within these people such as a very low self-esteem, frequently seeking assurance, nurturance, and support, feeling obsessed with the fear of being left alone (such as their spouse dying), feeling helpless when alone, and making others superior to themselves. I have become the very definition of the ambivalent relationship style. As I read this chapter, I thought I was nearly reading a profile about me. My biggest dream in life is not to have riches and fame, but to have a family. My worst fear is a direct contradiction to my dream and it is losing my family. Sometimes, the fear of losing them overpowers the dream of having a family that I at times feel like not even aiming to find a partner.
The avoidant relationship style contains the characteristics of a person who believes that they are worthy of love only based on their accomplishments and others are unwilling and incapable of loving them. Avoidant people are turned off by touch. I have a friend who displays this characteristic. She is comfortable expressing herself, just not by touch. As she has described it to me, she gets tense and awkward when it comes to either her boyfriend touching her or her touching her boyfriend. She doesn’t understand why she is like this and I tried to explain to her that perhaps she is the avoidant lifestyle type person. After having read quite a few excerpts from Clinton and Sibcy’s book, she said she could relate to it. Avoidant people also feel that they must rely on themselves to get what they need, that includes emotionally and mentally. One shade of the avoidant lifestyle is narcissism. I had a friend who was the epitome of this avoidant narcissistic lifestyle. He constantly sought praise for himself, to the point of over exaggerating many aspects of his character and of his life, almost as though he was trying to prove more to himself, than to anyone else, that he was worthy. Because of this, he was also very arrogant and had an inflated sense of self-worth. He drove away a lot of his friends, all that I know, because he was very sensitive to criticism and responded many times with intense anger. I remember he threatened to crush one of our friends with a chair by lifting it up and holding it over the person. Another time, he threatened me over a silly game. The more I read of the avoidant attachment style chapter, the more I understood why my friend was like that, and the more I sympathized with him. When he was young, his father abandoned him and his little brother. His mother, although caring, seemed to be very critical of him and his brother and rarely rewarding. She drove them to perfection without showing appreciation. I know that he resented his father for abandoning him and I know he did not favor his mother more than she had to be favored.
Lastly, the disorganized relationship style is just that, disorganized. These people believe that they’re not worthy of love, and incapable of getting the love that they feel they need without being angry or clingy. They also believe that other people are unable to meet their needs so they are also untrusting. Disorganized attachment style people feel that other people around them are abusive, but they deserve to be abused. These people are also addicted to chaos, seeming to follow it and cause it in many of their relationships. Usually a disorganized person was born and raised in an abusive home, ranging from verbal abuse, to incest.
This book brought some tough memories back to life for me. As I mentioned before, I find that I fit the profile of the ambivalent relationship style; not so much because of how I was raised, but as it seems to be a reoccurring thing in all my relationships. I believe, of course, that my parents’ divorce did have something to do with it, but what I believe more, is that the girl I once almost married, had more to do with it. I met a girl in high school my freshman year. She was a senior. I’ll refer to her as Amber. Amber turned out to be a girl who was on fire for the Lord so she instantly attracted me. She and I became close friends. I found out that she was in fact engaged to a marine and he was overseas. Over time, however, she ended up admitting to me that she had developed feelings for me. I, of course, had as well. By the time she graduated, it had come to a point in her life that she had to choose between me and her fiancé. From her family’s persuasion, she chose her fiancé. It hurt me greatly and I was upset about the whole ordeal for quite some time, but got over it and befriended her again, after she was married. I met her husband and he was actually a pretty stand up guy. About a year passed and her husband turned himself in for child molestation. He went to prison for two years. In that two years, Amber and I got close again, but not romantically. She had decided to stay with her husband and get him some help. Two years later, he was released and life for her seemed to go on. Four months after that, however, he molested again, and went back to jail. This time, Amber relied on me for a shoulder to cry on and I was there for her. She decided this time to get a divorce and I made sure I was there for her.
During this her divorce, she began to have feelings for me once again, this having been 4 years after the first episode. She was my first love so it was easy to return those feelings. This time however, there was nothing holding her back, so she openly loved me. We had made plans to get married, and within two years, have children together. Things were great. Then, suddenly, it was over. No explanation from her. She had met someone else. I was bitter towards her for three years after that, refusing to go anywhere I might run into her. She ended up marrying another marine. Her story, however, ended badly. Her and her new husband, three weeks after the wedding, got in a car accident, and he died. I felt bad for her and I prayed for her. Point being, she hurt me twice, abandoned me twice in my life. I think that is was because of these events, primarily, that I am the ambivalent relationship style. I fear abandonment more than anything; whether that abandonment be voluntary, like Amber’s, or involuntary, such as death.